In Remembrance

Now look here y’all, Memorial Day ain’t about mattress sales, pontoon boats, or some feller burning hot dogs six inches from his eyebrows while wearing American flag overalls two sizes too small. It’s supposed to be about remembrance. About every poor soul who gave everything they had so the rest of us could sit here free as a bird arguing with strangers on the internet about horse racing conspiracies and whether mayonnaise oughta be considered a beverage.

These men and women laid down their lives for liberty, freedom, and apparently… this brand-new American genius we done invented called “the social media expert.”

Because nowhere else on Earth can a man fail publicly 14 times before lunch and still introduce himself as an “analyst.”

That’s freedom right there.

You know the one.

Every race, every track, every surface, every maiden claimer from Assiniboia Downs to Belmont at Aqueduct — this man got an opinion hotter than a two-dollar pistol. And buddy, he delivers it with the confidence of a NASA engineer launching a moon mission with a taco in his left hand. Meanwhile his actual win percentage looks like a batting average far below the 'Mendoza line'

These people are everywhere. You can’t scroll five feet without tripping over one of ’em.

They type with such authority too. “LOCK OF THE DAY.” “FREE MONEY.” “STEAL OF THE CENTURY.” Sir, your last six “locks” finished so far back they needed GPS assistance to find the wire.

And the excuses! Lord have mercy, the excuses.

Bad ride. Biased track. Crooked stewards .Inside speed collapsed. Outside speed collapsed. Photo finish robbery. Clockers lied. The trainer sneezed wrong. Mercury was in retrograde. Aliens are riding these horses.....

It’s always something.

These folks can explain away a losing ticket, great structure pal, with the creativity of a Hollywood screenwriter. Hell, if Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead and beat ’em in a pick-four, they’d say he had an unfair weight allowance.

And buddy, when they DO hit one? Oh sweet baby Jesus. You’d think they personally discovered fire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUDEjulbqzk

"Look what I created, ME!" So, you finally hit a winner after setting fire to three mortgages, a tax refund, and a trust fund.

What amazes me most is the enthusiasm. The resilience. The unbreakable confidence. These people lose with the consistency of gravity itself, yet wake up every morning ready to issue another “Best Bet of the Millennium,” like they never been wrong.

It oughta be studied by scientists, if we still believed in them.

Because any rational person would eventually say, “Maybe I ain’t exactly Rain Man with a Racing Form.” But not these fellers. No sir. Their legendary losing somehow convinces them they’re even smarter.

That’s the true beauty of social media right there. A man can be catastrophically wrong every single day of his life and still brand himself a “handicapping wizard.” We done created a society where confidence matters more than accuracy.

And the craziest part?

There’s ALWAYS a guy.

Always.

You’ll be standing there after watching this internet prophet go zero-for-eight with two eased horses and somebody still walks up asking, “Hey… who do you like in the next?”

You can’t make this stuff up.

The internet done turned horse racing into the world’s biggest comedy club, and more than half the comedians don’t even realize they’re the act.