Mandatory Payout Mayhem

🎙️ Sweet Baby Jesus just hold on for a minute… (Mandatory Payout Mayhem Edition)

Two weeks ago, y’all down at Gulfstream, threw a big ol’ mandatory payout, rolled it out like it was the Kentucky Derby meets a Black Friday sale — “LIMITED TIME ONLY! FINAL FISCAL WHATCHAMACALLIT!”

Oh, and would you look at that — it just so happened to land on the same damn day as Churchill Downs’ mandatory payout - and its a great way to sharpen up my redneck writing skills.

What a coinkidink, right?

Like y’all both just accidentally showed up to prom wearin’ the same dress and now you're pretendin’ it was “on the books all year.” Uh-huh.

And now... here we go again? Another one? Just two weeks later? What’s this one — “Fiscal Year After Party Bonus Blowout Extravaganza”?

Listen, this ain’t “planning,” this is someone makin’ shit up with confidence. It's like when a kid lies about doing his homework and doubles down with, “Well, actually it was optional extra credit in a different timezone.”

But look — I ain’t even mad at the folks behind it. Not really. It’s the consumer that ends up gettin’ it in the shorts — like you ordered some high-end, small-batch BBQ sauce and it shows up tasting like ketchup mixed with Tabasco and broken promises.

It’s them buzzwords that’ll get ya. Every time.

Take my buddy Jin, bless his optimistic, stats-obsessed arse. This man LIVES for carryovers.

Treats ‘em like a religious event. Calls me up one morning, all fired up like a raccoon on a Red Bull:

“There’s a carryover today!”

I’m thinkin’ we’re talkin’ serious money — some life-changing, call-the-ex-wife kind of jackpot.

Nope.

“Golden Gate has a $3,000 carryover!”

THREE. DAMN. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.

My man Jin out here riskin’ car payment money over a carryover that wouldn’t buy you a set of new tires at Walmart. That ain’t a carryover, Jin — that’s a rounding error. But hey, he heard the buzzword and the inner gambler in him stood straight up like Uncle Jay the time he tried to motorize his stationary bike with a leaf blower.

Gulfstream Park — home of sun, palm trees, and questionable field sizes, with that 4 horse field in the sequence that resembles Shootout at the OK Corral today— and they are is pushin’ mandatory payout daylike it’s Christmas come early, meanwhile...

They ain’t even runnin’ on the grass right now.

You heard me.

THEY. AIN’T. GOT. GRASS.

'Cause guess what? The grass ain’t even GREEN this time of year! That Florida turf’s lookin’ about as alive as my Aunt Brenda’s potted fern after that July heatwave — crispy, patchy, and deader than Blockbuster Video.

So instead, we’re dealin’ with the good ol’ Tapeta track, that weird in-between surface that’s not quite dirt, not quite turf, and definitely not quite enjoyable to handicap. It’s like racin’ on Play-Doh. Great for kindergartners, terrible for bettors.

But here come the marketing geniuses with the siren song of “MANDATORY PAYOUT!”Ooooh, baby. That’s the gambler’s mating call. You slap that word “mandatory” on anything and some of y’all go full Pavlov’s dog. Doesn’t even matter what the races look like. Could be a 5-horse claiming field full of animals that haven’t seen a finish line since 2021, but as long as there’s a carryover and a countdown clock, you’re throwin’ money at it like it’s the damn lottery.

And I get it — believe me. I love scratch-offs. I live for scratch-offs. Nothing gets my heart racin' like findin' a $2 winner and immediately buyin' three more to lose it all back.

So yeah, sure, I’ll play a mandatory payout scratcher. Just don’t try and dress it up like the Breeders’ Cup. Especially not when half the card is on Tapeta, the turf’s deader than your old lawn mower, and we’re pretendin’ like this is some high-holy “festival of wagering.”

Let’s call it what it is: A Florida dirt-and-pay-doh gunfight with buzzwords and a prayer.

We now have spent more time than hanging with Cousin Clyde at the fish fry on this Gulfstream Mandatory shindig and we ain't even watching Gulfstream today.

But hey — I’ll tell ya what I am all in on:

Keepin’ my damn wallet in my pocket till y’all get your buzzwords, dates, and “fiscal strategies” in order. 'Cause I got a hunch there’s another “MANDATORY” payout comin’ in — oh, I don’t know — about two more weeks?

I’ll be ready, at a catfish fry with beans and bourbon.

And zero dollars invested in this Mandatory Mayhem , minus a scratcher or two