Angles

You ever notice in horse racing, geometry's got a whole new daing definition?

Angles? Oh they LOVE their angles.

You got speed-and-fade angles,1st off the layoff,3rd off the layoff,Bill Mott’s birthday angle — like somehow when the ol’ man blows out candles, every horse he’s got runs like they just got injected with Secretariat’s DNA.

Man, I swear—poor ol’ Secretariat can’t even rest in peace.That big red son of a gun has been dead since 1989, and he still gets name-dropped in horse circles more than Jesus at a Southern funeral.

Every time some shiny, overfed, $1.7 million two-year-old steps foot on the track and jogs halfway decent in the post parade, somebody’s out here yellin’—“Woooo buddy! Might be the next Secretariat!”

Thats the benchmark angle.

Next Secretariat?? Hell, y’all said that about Uncle Mo, Tapit Trice, your cousin’s backyard foal named Turbo Nacho—come on now.

Meanwhile, Secretariat is up in Horse Heaven somewhere, rollin' his eyes so hard his halter's spinnin’.

Like, “Really? This again? That horse can’t even change leads without lookin’ like he’s dodgin’ potholes, and y’all draggin' my name into it?”

But he ain’t alone.

Let’s talk about The Green Monkey.

Ah yes, the Mona Lisa of flops.The only horse in history to be worth $16 million and run like he was tryin' to get OUT of the money on purpose.

And to this day, every time some hot-blooded auction baby flames out after three starts and a nosebleed, folks act like The Green Monkey is the poster child for disappointment. He gets trotted out like a damn cautionary tale in saddlecloth form.

Like, “This one went for 1.8 million but ran like he had vertigo in the stretch. Reminds me of The Green Monkey!”

Poor bastard can’t catch a break—not on the track, and sure as hell not in the group chats.

I don’t even know if The Green Monkey was paid for with real money. Mighta been a Monopoly game gone wrong, or a flex by some billionaire who was just tryna turn Keeneland into Sotheby’s for horses and stubbornly wanted to win the auction bid, like a child screaming "Mine! Mine! Mine" with every bid, of their monoply games currency.

And yet, somewhere out there in horse purgatory, The Green Monkey’s struttin’ around like,“Yup. Still the man. Ain’t nobody blown more money and gotten less in return than me. Legend status, baby.”

Somebody got to tell him, right ? one day? right?

Meanwhile, Secretariat’s tryin' not to choke on his heavenly hay while hearin' his name next to some first out maiden who’s “got promise,” and a holster full of bullet works.

So yeah, next time you’re watchin’ a flashy youngster get bet down like he’s about to walk on water in aluminum shoes, just remember:

• Secretariat won the Belmont by 31 lengths so you could compare every blue-blooded plodder to him.

• And The Green Monkey didn’t flame out in silence just to be the punchline to every seven-figure bust you ever see,

  
  

Let them horses rest. One’s a legend. One’s a cautionary tale. Neither of ‘em asked to be dragged into your fave 5 Chat meltdown, and that's straight from The Racingwithbruno School of Truth Bombs and Cultural Justice — except instead of politics, we’re deep in the hallowed, manure-scented church of Horse Racing Lore, where names like Secretariat and The Green Monkey get tossed around more than a corn hole bag at a backyard Southern Barb Q.

And we know chats are all about passing around products like Jell-o shots at a Super Bowl Party, but I digress.

Then you got the “turnback angle,”“voided claim angle,”"closers stretchin' out,"“stiffed last out,”and my personal favorite — the mysterious, powerful, “they meant to lose that one at the claim box” angle.

Folks out here talkin’ about angles like they're tryin’ to cut a damn triangle into a circle and call it smart.

Hell, half these angles got nothin’ to do with geometry... or algebra... and please don’t bring up trigonometry, unless you're bettin' based on sine waves and emotional trauma.

So what do these “angles” really mean?

To me? They’re graspin’ at straws. Desperately tryin’ to sound intelligent — like they’re some modern-day Pittsburgh Phil or Tom Ainslie, reborn through OTBs and TVG.

But let’s be real: These angles ain’t got no edges. Ain’t got no traction. They’re just fluff words — like "Food fight!" in a middle school cafeteria, just somethin' you scream before throwin’ spaghetti.

And look — I ain’t sayin’ information ain’t good. I like info. I want context. But give me somethin’ real, not the ass end of someone's ego.

Like, don’t tell me “speed and fade.”Tell me,“This horse ran outta gas ‘cause he lost two shoes, saw a rabbit on the turf course, and had a saddle pad that smelled like Bengay and poor decisions.”

Now that’s an angle with potential.

If you told me a horse spit the bit, bolted off the turn, and damn near crashed through the track superintendent’s office like the Kool-Aid Man in blinkers — then yeah, maybe, MAYBE I’ll factor that into my bet.

But this vague-ass, “speed and fade, first off the claim, good with hot temps on a Tuesday” nonsense? That’s just word salad in a fake stetson.

These handicappers out here slingin’ lingo like they’re fluent in horse-racing Latin. But if I handed ‘em a long division problem and said “solve it or go broke,”they’d be curled up in the fetal position in the corner clutchin’ a daily program like it’s a security blanket.

For example, lets test it: So,"what do you do or make of a horse debuting, for the first time, without any gate works?"

Crickets.... you may get the old 'he never been to the gate?' most the likely the pony been to the gate three times a week, 'but no official works?' as long as the starter OK'd that pony to start from his visits and gate pops. but 'cappers be like: "nah, hell naw, don't like it, I need to see a work to know it happened."

The truth is starter was happy with the horse's ability to break from gate and felt was ready to run, gate works are hard on young horses and it contributes to horses wear and tear especially behind. 'No foot no horse' and 'lose the hind end and kiss your horses chances goodbye', but 'cappers be line "nah! I need to see a work."

The answer is your angles don't answer real questions about how horses run big races or flop, you have to have the right info. Good info, not the one from Bitter Beer Faced Clocker or the so called Maiden Man who's never been to the track in the morning.

So yeah, use your good, exclusive info. Use your notes. But don’t come at me with more angles than a geometry teacher on Adderall, unless there’s some damn good reason behind ‘em.

'Cause if we're just makin’ stuff up to sound smart,hell — let me introduce my new angle:

"Horse blinked twice in the paddock, hates the color red, and only runs well when the moon’s in Scorpio.”

Let’s cash A ticket, baby. 🔥🐎💸 and call ourselves mathematical geniuses with a J......